Christmas Card 2023

 

“The dead are here, they never go away, so I never ask them to.”

--Hiss Golden Messenger (Mahogany Dread)

 

Christmastime 2023

 

Dear family and friends,

 

As 2023 comes to a close, we find ourselves being so proud of our adult children. Zoey, now 21, is living at home, carrying a full-time college load, and working as a waitress at Lazy Dog Restaurant. She will be graduating with her bachelor’s degree in psychology this coming May! Given she graduated from high school in 2020, this puts her at exactly four years for her undergraduate degree, no small feat! She has also worked very hard at becoming a waitress, paying dues as host, foodrunner, and in take-out! Zoey has already applied to a master’s/teaching credential combined program and is pursuing becoming a teacher like her dad. She had a very successful internship in a preschool with children who have special-needs. Her love of children is very clear and passionate. She also takes care of her dog, Harley, and her sister’s dog, Mocha. Kasey really misses Mocha, but she’s up at UC Davis working on a bachelor’s degree in animal science. She is 19 now and is already a college junior. It is quite the rigorous workload with lots of things that terrify me, like calculus and chemistry courses. This past year she also worked at Ortega Animal Care Center when she was home on break. Up at Davis she is taking pet-sitting jobs here and there. Her love of animals is very apparent. We are very proud of how hard both our girls work. They are intrepid and have enduring dispositions.

 

Max and Wes are, of course, totally on their own. Max is living in Boston and working as a Physican Assistant at Boston Medical Center. He is still dating his girlfriend of over two years, Elena. To say that we love Elena a lot would be an understatement. She already feels like part of our family. Max and Elena made it to California a couple times this year and we treasure every visit. Wes and Makenna celebrated their one year wedding anniversary on November 12 and we are extremely grateful for their relationship. As I mentioned last year, we’ve known Makenna and her family a long time so it still seems a bit unreal—in the best way—that she is our daughter-in-law! Wes and Makenna are both working full-time, paying off student loans and saving up to buy a house. We can’t wait to see what the future holds for our sons!

 

Now that I got all the nice stuff out of the way, let’s get down to what you’d expect from me. I bet you’re wondering what the quote at the outset of this letter is all about, It comes from a 2017 album called Hallelujah Anyhow. It’s an album that really helped me ride out my “funk” that seemed to take hold in me, especially during the pandemic of 2020. With its themes of darkness and the “black dog” of depression, it worked like an elixir for me. What I love about it is its refusal to lose hope: Things might be dark, but hallelujah anyhow! Choosing joy and optimism just might be the ultimate rebellious act. So why the reference to the dead? Well, the truth is, as I sat down to write a 2023 in review, death was looming large in my thoughts. In order to cope, I had made a joke that this year could best be summed up with “January, Taylor Swift, December.” However, that was a lie. In April, Chrisy’s sister-in-law, Debbie died at age 50. Then, on Chrisy’s birthday in May, our dear family friend, Karimy, died. She was only 25 years old. On May 13, I had the great honor of speaking at her memorial service. I’m not going to lie to you, even though I am a Christ follower, and I know these words from 1 Thessalonians 4:13, “We do not grieve like people who have no hope,” and even though I read Jerry Sittser’s book, A Grace Disguised: how the soul grows through loss, the fact is: I was grieving. I don’t think I was stuck in grief like it was a quagmire, but I was thinking about loss pretty much all year long. I realized this gloominess’ staring point was probably 2018 when Karimy’s dad died. In 2019 Zoey’s 18-year-old friend, Rey, died. A month after that Chrisy’s Aunt Janett died. Two months later her husband, Jack, died. That same year my stepdad, Mark, died. In 2020 Zoey’s 17-year-old friend, Andre died. That same year I lost my Uncle John, and often find myself weeping when he pops up in movies and songs. In 2022 Zoey’s friend since first grade, Griffin, died as well as Coach Al, Kasey & Zoey’s cross country and track coach. That same year Chrisy’s Aunt Mary also left us. There are so just so many losses! I’m sure that, as you read this, no matter who you are, someone you lost comes to mind. Loving hurts. Hence, the quote at the top of the letter. In fact, in the same song he sings, “The misery of love is a funny thing, the more it hurts, the more you think you can stand a little pain.” It’s like what Joy Gresham says in the movie, Shadowlands: “We can’t have the happiness of yesterday without the pain of today. That’s the deal.”

 

As I processed loss this year, I honestly began to realize that I had not been just grieving for the dead. We can grieve other losses too. I have grieved friends who moved away. I have grieved changes in general. For example, I’m still working at SAUSD, but my HEART class has now been reduced to just one teacher. I realized I am grieving the loss of my teaching partners. I’m still involved in the JHM ministry at TerraNova, and it brings me endless joy. However, this past year, my friend, Oksana, after seven years as a ministry partner, moved to South Africa. Even when you’re happy for someone, you can still grieve the loss.

 

I think health issues can cause a form of grief too. Ever since Chrisy’s multiple sclerosis diagnosis in 2013, I think we have collectively mourned the changes in routines and had to adjust to a new normal. Then came her back surgery in 2021. This year, on August 31, Chrisy had a stroke! This gave us quite the scare. The good news is that she seems to have fully recovered. As a couple we’ve been reflecting upon how these health issues have impacted our relationships and activities, often giving us no choice but to back out of things at the last minute. In fact, just two weeks ago, I “threw my back out” (whatever that means) while cleaning our garage! As a result, I haven’t gotten in a run since November 28 and I’m mourning that too! The good news is that 2023 found us drawing very close to each other. We’re in a really good spot. In fact, we celebrated 30 years of marriage on July 24. Our gift to each other is a trip to Norway! We leave December 26 and return January 9. We’re excited to see the aurora borealis!

 

I guess more than anything this year, I’m just more aware than ever that our days are numbered and our relationships are so precious. Chrisy and I both hope this letter finds you hopeful and aware of your blessings.

 

Merry Christmas,

Doah  (for all of us)